So let's be real here…it's been quite difficult hearing God on this trip thus far. This week has been especially hard. Beginning Monday, we fasted with our church and we were told that instead of having a set schedule of ministries we'd have an ATL (ask the Lord) week. I was really pumped about this because I knew that it would give me an opportunitiy to hear clearly what God was trying to tell me.
Monday was our day off and right from the start, I was frustrated with God. We've been on this trip for almost a month and since we've landed in Kenya I haven't been feeling the Holy Spirit hardly at all. I needed something from God and He knew it. Monday I rested and prayed asking God for anything to make me feel close to Him.
Tuesday strolled along and I began to become incredibly frustrated because I had not felt anything from God. One of our leaders, Tiffany, asked me if I wanted to go with her to visit a bridge she knew about that was a lot more secluded than we have been used to. I could not pass up this opportunity to finally be alone with my God. At home, back in the States, I am very used to having time each day to get away from everyone and focus on the Lord. Unfortunately, here, I don't always get the same opportunities. The bridge was definitely good for my soul. I was able to read, pray, and worship, full heartedly for about 4 hours. Although I was feeling a little bit better, I still hadn't felt like God was revealing Himself to me, at all.
All day long, I was in a funk. I didn't feel like doing anything and it was definitely not glorifying to God. By the time Tuesday night came, I was spiritually spent. All day long I had been begging God to do something, to show me something, to open my eyes to something and it seemed as though He continually said "No". Which confused me…a lot. After everybody went to bed, I stayed up to yell at God. It wasn't really a "God, you're not here, you're giving up on me." kind of yell. More of like a "God, I KNOW you are here. I KNOW that you care about me. And I KNOW that you want to talk to me. But why can't I feel you?!" Still nothing.
Then I asked Him to show me what He wanted me to do the next day (Wednesday), As I sat there in silence, I saw blue. Then the blue morphed into a shape of a triangle. Honestly, I went to bed that night and thought that a blue triangle was the stupidest thing ever and I completely dismissed the idea. Wednesday morning was absolutely horrible. I couldn't pray, I couldn't worship, and I couldn't even rest in God because I was so distraught about not hearing or feeling Him at all. My teammates picked up on it (surprise, surprise) and a few of them prayed over me. One of the guys, Nate, prayed something over me that really took me by surprise. He said "God knows that you trust Him, but do you trust Him enough to know that this is good." He was saying that not hearing or feeling god was going to turn out to be something good.
To make a long story short, it was. It was so good. God took me to a blue triangle that same day and even though it seems incredibly insignificant, God showed me that He was still speaking to me. I encourage you to trust Him today. Trust that He has a plan. Even if that means that you won't hear from Him for a while, He has a reason for that. It breaks His heart but it's something that He knows we need.
